Film: Snitch

Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Genre: Drama
Source: USA (2013)
Rating: PG-13
Location/Format: Glynn Place Stadium Cinemas
Grade: C

This movie was forgettable and heavy handed on pretty much every count, from Susan Sarandon's ham-fisted portrayal of a true believing conservative to the Rock's believably as an "average Joe" to the movie's obvious message regarding mandatory minimum sentencing. It was a film I've hardly thought about since seeing it a few weeks ago, and the only reason we saw it in the first place was that we needed to get out of the house and we live in a small town with relatively few movie options. Seriously, it was either this or Safe Haven, and I object to Nicholas Sparks on principle.

So instead, let's talk about movie etiquette.

One of my favorite movie podcasts* (which is not to say I listen to it every week, but rather to say that when I listen to a film podcast, his is one I really enjoy, because the hosts are 1) British, 2) smart, and 3) quite funny and entertaining) is Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo's Film Reviews from BBC Radio 5. Kermode and Mayo came up with they called the Moviegoer's Code of Conduct, which I will list for all posterity here:

• No Eating . . . of anything harder than a soft roll with no filling. No one wants to hear you crunch, chew, or masticate in any way. Nachos cause special offense and are of the devil.
• No Slurping . . . of drinks. You've already drunk a 5 liter flagon of pop, you really don't need the melting ice too. You are not six years old.
• No Rustling . . . of super high density, rustle-o-matic, extra rustle bags. No foraging of any kind. If you're going to need it during the film, get it out before hand.
• No Irresponsible Parenting . . . Your five-year-old does not want to come see the latest 12A certificate (insert PG-13 movie for American film-goers): you are using the cinema as a babysitter. Your child's moaning, whinging, and crying is your fault and a profound annoyance to everyone else. Your interrupted sleep caused by your child's nightmares is also your fault and serves you right.
• No Hobbies: This includes knitting, drug dealing, model airplane assembly, fighting, having sex, and updating Facebook.
• No Talking: You're in a cinema--you have come here to watch, not to discuss. Or 'engage,' or 'participate,' or 'explain' or whatever. More importantly, no one in the cinema has paid $9.50 to hear your director's commentary on the movie. Just sit down and shut up.
• No Mobile Phone Usage: At all. Not even in 'flight mode.' This isn't an airplane, it's a cinema. Even if you're not yapping you're still creating light pollution. Put your thumbs away. NB: includes BlackBerries, Palm Pilots, iPads--whatever.
• No Kicking of Seats: The area of floor directly in front of your seat is yours, and is there to put your legs in. The back of the seat in front of you belongs to someone else; do not touch, interfere with, or otherwise invade their space with your feet, knees, or other bodily appendages.
• No Arriving Late: Like Woody Allen in Annie Hall, you're supposed to watch movies from the very beginning to the very end. If you turn up late, tough: go see something else--The Sorrow and the Pity, perhaps.
• No Shoe Removal: You are not in your own front room. Nor are you in Japan (unless you are, in which case, carry on). A cinema is a public space; keep your bodily odors to yourself.

Now, I will admit that I have not always been a faithful follower of every rule on this list. While I've never practiced hobbies or brought my non-existent children to the movies, I definitely have been a perpetrator of the slurping, talking, and eating rules (and I was particularly fond of nachos until I had to cut them out of my diet for other reasons).

But honestly. 

I think in our viewing of Snitch nearly every rule on this list was broken multiple times over. We arrived (not late, but very shortly before the movie began) to find an extremely crowded theater. Normally we like to sit 7-8 rows from the front (we seem to get closer the older we get), but all those "choice" seats were taken, and there were "sets" of seats only at the very front (2nd row) and very back (last row). We stupidly moved up first and took the 2nd row seats. As we moved into the row, however, I noticed that on the 3rd row were six or seven what-can-only-be-described-as hooligans. Spread out across their seats, girls lying in boyfriend's laps, tattoos all over the place. It was teen meth addict night at the movies, I think. We sat down to find that not only were our seats way too close for comfort, but to hear our friends behind us talking full voice and showing no signs of stopping as the previews began. 

We made it through one preview before moving to the back of the theater. Once on the back row (apologizing to the people we had to walk past to get there) we thought things would be better. But a woman followed us onto the row--sitting just a couple of seats down from us--and as the movie began, got out her cell phone and proceeded not to text but to call a friend, apparently to inform her she was at the movies and couldn't talk.

People streamed in through the rest of the film, rustling, slurping, loud eating, and talking all occurred, and I firmly believe the only reason I didn't get me seat kicked or smell someone's socks was because we were on the back row.

I take my movies seriously. I want you to have a good time, but you have that good time by watching the movie, not by partying with your friends or texting your girlfriend. I will make exceptions--children are allowed to laugh and talk during animated films, because it's for them, and frankly one of my favorite movie experiences was MST3K-ing Starship Troopers when there were only two other people in the theater--but do not ruin my experience. Yes you can ask what happened when you went to the bathroom. No you can't do it full voice. Yes you can check your cellphone--if you go to the back of the theater where you're out of sight of every other person there.

I came to the movies to see a movie. Not to be entertained by you. Because you're not that entertaining. You're just annoying.

Alternate Film Title: "Who the Hell Knows. It's a Rock Movie and Everyone In This Place Deserves to Be Punched in the Face."

*The other podcast I really quite enjoy is Filmspotting. Those guys are much smarter than me, but the lists and themes they put together, as well as some of the games they play, are really interesting and thought-provoking. It's basically "NPR Does Movies" in tone and style, so if that's not your thing, it probably won't be your thing. But still, smart.