Film: Escape Plan

Director: Mikael Hafstrom
Genre: Action
Source: USA (2013)
Rating: R
Location/Format: Glynn Place Stadium Cinema
Grade: B-

"They don't make 'em like they used to," you lament.

"Why can't I find a movie these days where the men are men and the women (both of them) can only have weird nonsexual chemistry with the clearly unattractive older male figures?

"A movie where MacGuyver does his thing, but in prison.

"A movie where Sylvester Stallone hints at an emotional backstory by trying to contort his leathery meatbag face into more of a frown than normal.

"A movie where Sam Neil slums it and plays the one person who apparently didn't know what kind of job he was signing up for.

"A movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone can both play geniuses.

"A movie where the age old question Just how puffy will Vincent D'Onofrio get? will finally be answered.

"A movie where Jim Caviezel can play a villain busy twirling his mustache so hard he twirls it right off.

"A movie where plot twists obvious from ten minutes in will literally be greeted with the line 'I didn't see that one coming!'

"A movie where the 80s can live and breathe again, if only for a far-too-long 115 minutes.

"Is that too much to ask?"

My friend, have I got a movie for you.